


Conventions of Modern Relationships

by ajisaiHunter



Series: Reincarnation AU [2]
Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/strange fake
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Other, lots of cameos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-01-22 02:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12471744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajisaiHunter/pseuds/ajisaiHunter
Summary: When it's your not-materialistic friend's birthday but you haven't celebrated it in like 5000 years since you both died and you're not really sure what to get them and before you buy them a present, they give you a tortoise because your house is too big and empty and they think you need a long-lived animal to keep you company.(Direct sequel to "A Balancing Act, or a Courtship Dance (we're not sure which)")





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a direct sequel to "A Balancing Act, or a Courtship Dance (we're not sure which)". Like, direct, literally picks up exactly where I left off. I had a lot of fun with the first one and even being such a niche pairing, it seemed pretty popular! And I had a bunch of silly ideas I wanted to expound on so... it is here. I hope you enjoy this one as much as the first one!

Enkidu woke up first. They didn’t even open their eyes, but crawled on top of Gil and just laid there. This  _ did  _ feel familiar. Honestly, they weren’t really concerned with the past, at least not as deeply as they might be. What meeting Gil meant to them was only that: just meeting an irreplaceable person again and getting a second chance to spend time with them. Hopefully lots of time, but they were really too sleepy to start thinking much about it. 

They listened as Gil’s breathing became less and less steady under their weight until he woke up and said “you aren’t as heavy as I remember.” 

“We were just talking about that,” Enkidu mumbled back. “You smell the same.” 

“What do I smell like?” 

“Hm. Something familiar.” 

“Oh, of  _ course _ ,” Gil said with as much sarcasm as he could muster at the moment, contentedly running his fingers through Enkidu’s hair; it was not much. “You're eating enough, right?” 

“Yes. We're not that poor, y’know. You're just super rich.” 

“You ate dog food.” 

“Gil, that's normal people food. Humans eat stuff like chicken and rice. Not everyone lives on caviar and truffles and expensive wine.” 

“The point isn't the ingredients, it's that it was labeled for the dog and you ate it without hesitating.” 

“And it was very tasty. Zasshu and Chimera agreed.” 

“Ugh. Next time I’ll make sure to have a dinner labeled for you as well.” 

“Mm,” Enkidu hummed in agreement and inched down so they could pull Gil’s shirt up over their head. 

“Hey…” 

“It’s warm.” 

Gil had about five seconds to appreciate absolute contentment before Enkidu started squeezing his pecs. 

“Oi--” 

“Okay, not all fat, you still have a lot of muscle, nice.” 

“Enjoy to your heart’s content, then…” He settled after the initial jolt and lazily wrapped both arms around Enkidu, who seemed to be trying to burrow into his chest. He started to tighten his hold until Enkidu let out a wheeze and bit down on his collar bone. “YOU--” 

They slipped out of his grip and rolled to the side, laughing with unrestrained joy. Gil rolled on top of them in turn, pinning them. 

“Ah! Chimera wants to go outside!” they said, kicking their legs without much energy. 

“Trying to run away? Cheater.” 

“Zasshu too, probably…” 

Gil let out a long, exaggerated sigh and sat up on his knees. 

“Fine, fine. I will definitely get you back, though.” 

Enkidu grinned at them and sprung off the bed, Chimera on their heels. Gil threw on a different shirt and trackpants while Enkidu tied their hair up in a messy bun, both of them unable to stop yawning. 

“Did you know dog yawns are contagious to people?” Enkidu asked as they headed to the elevator with Chimera and Zasshu on leashes. 

“Is that why I keep yawning after you?” 

“Yes.” 

The intention was to take both dogs for a short walk, but the second they stepped outside, Gil put his hand on Enkidu’s shoulder, glaring at the other side of the street. 

“Looks like I’m interesting to the paparazzi again.” 

“Awww… that kind of sucks.” Enkidu yawned and leaned back into Gil. “D’you want me to punch someone for you?” 

Gil considered that for a moment. He’d done so before. But if they stayed out of his way, he didn’t really care what pictures they took of him and his dog. He looked fine and it wasn’t like he'd never dated anyone before. Whatever story they were going to spin was probably going to be relatively tame and incredibly boring to him. 

“Not this morning, unless they come over here.” 

“‘Kay, but let me do it, I don’t want you to get in trouble.” 

“Haha, too late for that. They’re more afraid I’ll call the police, I’m sure. Police Chief Reeve would probably be pretty annoyed.” 

Even though they didn’t approach, the presence of onlookers annoyed Gil enough that he cut the walk short and herded Enkidu and both dogs back inside. It would be a pain for Enkidu to go home with them around, not that they needed an excuse to stay. After thousands of years spent separated, they couldn’t part after just one night, no matter how much time they might have had in the future. 

“You have so many  _ things _ in your house but none of them are alive…” Enkidu complained once they were back inside. “Just you and Zasshu. Not even plants. But that one room is full of swords and you have another full of wine. You haven’t changed much!” 

“Plants die too quickly.” 

Enkidu smiled sadly. “... you really haven’t changed much.” 

“A small matter like reincarnation wouldn’t change me, nor you. But you haven’t even adjusted to the modern era. I’m surprised you have a cell phone.” 

Before Gil could come up with a continuation of that dig, Enkidu’s face brightened and they dashed back to the bedroom, returning with phone in hand. 

“That gave me an idea. Here, here -- lean it, I want to take a picture.” 

They put their arm over Gil’s shoulder and both of them leaned in cheek to cheek so Enkidu could take a selfie. Right before pressing the button, they licked the side of Gil’s face. 

“You must be feeling very, very bold today--” 

“Oh, this is good, I’m going to change my wallpaper!” 

Gil waited as they changed the settings on their phone and when they looked back up again, grabbed them by the chin and squeezed their cheeks until they made a face that looked like a cartoon fish and snapped a picture. 

“It would be a shame if I didn’t have a picture of you for my background as well.” 

“Let me see! … I’m still pretty cute, nice job.” 

Once again, there both burst out laughing, as they probably would many times after. 

\-------

 

Tine came into work early on Monday; she still felt incredibly grateful for her Sunday off. She was somewhat proud of her boss for keeping things short when they had nothing to gain as a company. So efficient, even if he had been a bit ruthless at the time. He’d seemed excited to return home so as she walked through the front doors of the building, she made a silent wish that he’d arrive in a good mood. If he didn’t, she’d accidentally discovered his preferred coffee brand during the trip and had brought that to make; it might help.

“Oh, hey Tine, you’re kinda early, huh?” Flat was waiting at the elevator when she got there. 

“Mm, I thought I’d get a head start.” 

The elevator doors opened after a soft ‘ping’ and the two of them stepped inside.

“Hey, do you know if the boss is dating someone?” Flat asked. 

Tine shuddered. Technically, her boss was an adult, and as CEO he was in charge of the company. Not only this company, but several others. And he’d hosted a TV show (though it was currently on hiatus) and started preparing a political campaign. Part of the reason she put up with the amount of work she had to do was because she admired him and wanted to observe his actions for future reference in her own career. But boy, did he make some Poor Choices, rarely involving business but often involving women, and occasionally involving alcohol. She briefly wondered if the rumor that Olympic fencing champion Artoria Pendragon had a restraining order against him was true before realizing that, as far as she knew, he was not dating someone at that moment. 

So she said “No, I don’t think so.” 

“Hm. I wonder who this is, then.” Flat held up a thin magazine made of newspaper, clearly a tabloid. Tine felt her eyes forcibly try to bug out of her skull at the sight of the picture and accompanying headline. 

“Hotshot CEO finally spotted with new woman”: she recognized the green-haired “woman” as the person who had watched over her boss’s prized Tibetan Mastiff that weekend, and now that she was seeing their picture again, she was fairly certain they were the same person he’d had a fight with at the club and gotten plastered with right after. 

“Oh my god.” She tore the tabloid out of Flat’s hands, scanning the picture and then the article, trying to steady her breathing. This could be okay; he’d obviously dated before. Businessmen, celebrities, and even politicians dated people all the time, although it might not make a great impression on his campaign. She had figured his popularity and fame might balance something like that out, although it was a daring strategy on his part and now she was just distracting herself. 

“It said this picture was from yesterday morning, so she must’ve spent the night at his house!” Flat pointed out cheerfully. “I think before he mostly dated models and other famous people, but I don’t recognize her. Is that white dog hers, maybe? It looks like a wolf!” 

“I think they are close friends…” she replied slowly. The elevator had reached the floor where Flat’s department was. She got out with him but neither of them strayed far from the doors. “It… it should be fine, right? He’s dated plenty of people before, this is not anything strange…” 

“Well, yeah.” 

She breathed a small sigh of relief. Yes, this was nothing big. She also technically wasn't his publicist, no matter what kind of work he’d been giving her recently. It was unlikely anyone would want to question her, so she was safe, too. 

“I hope that doesn’t lead to another nasty breakup. Bazett was talking about that function where he got slapped across the face by Artoria Pendragon this one time, I don’t want him to get in trouble for something.” 

“Th-that’s a true story?” 

“Yeah, there were even rumors she got a restraining order against him! She’s pretty cordial in all the video clips from her interview on his show, but after the fact it got kind of ugly, I heard. It’s kind of sad.” Flat spoke as if her boss was a friend he pitied. How on earth he managed to feel that way, she didn’t know. She was more worried about the rumors of a restraining order. “It’d be great if the paparazzi could give him some space, especially if they are dating!” 

“That… would be ideal…” Tine nodded slowly in agreement, finally realizing she’d gotten off on Flat’s floor, not hers. She handed him back the tabloid. “If you hear anything else about it, please tell me at lunch.” 

“Aw, are you worried about him? No problem, I’ll tell you if I read anything else!” 

“Thank you.” She backed into the elevator and pressed the button for her floor. Flat waved at her before the doors closed. Despite being alone, she resisted the urge to scream. 

 

When Gil arrived in his office, Tine practically shoved his coffee into his hands. He took it from her, watching her with a bewildered look on his face as he took the first sip. 

“... It’s good.” 

“I figured out your preferred brand. It wasn’t the coffee we had here.” 

“Aha. You’re sharp! When did you find out?” 

“At the hotel, on Saturday morning.” The corners of her mouth curved slightly upward into the smallest of smug smiles. 

“I was wondering how long you would take to catch on. Good work, Assistant Chelc.” 

She reveled in his praise until he rounded his desk and pulled out his chair. 

“By the way, Sir… Are you dating someone right now?” 

“... You’re too young for me.” 

“Th-that’s not what I meant at all--!” 

“I was about to say, you’re very determined, but that’s a breach of workplace ethics I didn’t think you’d be ready to make.” 

She waited patiently as he sat down and turned on his computer. 

“Do you honestly care what tabloids say, Chelc? Or even read them for that matter? That kind of thing is inescapable when you’re famous. Celebrities have their entire lives aired by the media because small-minded people are fascinated by them. And of course they would be!” 

Tine frowned, her gaze falling to the floor. “I suppose what you’re saying is that it’s not an issue?” 

“It’s not. And if the press gets any closer than I feel like they need to be, there are ways to get rid of them. I hope they don’t bore me once I start seriously campaigning.” 

He would see it as a challenge, now wouldn’t he? Her worries meant little to him, so she reasoned she might as well not waste the effort for now, though she did feel sorry for the person in the pictures with him. 

Once his computer had finished booting up, the first thing Gil did was check local news to see if he could find the story that had brought on Tine’s questions. 

“Ah, it looks like the press thinks Enkidu is a woman. Well, that’s fine. I doubt they care what the general public thinks about their gender.” 

 

\-------

 

At work on Monday, Shammy introduced Enkidu to their new part-timer. 

“Cu just moved to the area recently. He’s almost as good with the dogs as you, but not quite. More like a normal level of being good with animals, not being able to actually communicate with them,” she explained. Enkidu looked up at the blue-haired newcomer with Chimera sitting patiently next to them. They tilted their head to the side and put a finger to their lips as if they were carefully appraising him, then leaned forward and grabbed him by the shirt, sniffing. He looked back over his shoulder at Shammy with an eyebrow raised. 

“Bro…” 

“Yeah, he seems okay,” Enkidu decided, releasing Cu’s shirt. “Nice to meet you.” 

“Haha, sure. What exactly was that just now?” 

“Ugh. You’ll have to excuse En, sometimes their manners are a bit… animalistic.” 

“If it helps, just think of me like another dog,” Enkidu said with a bright smile. 

“But don’t let them eat any of the dog treats.” 

“I said I wouldn’t anymore… they don’t taste that great, we should get something better.”  

The three of them (and the dogs) fell easily into the work rhythm after that. After the morning rush, there wasn’t much activity aside from taking care of the dogs anyways. Eventually, lunchtime rolled around and Cu left to get food and smokes. Shammy went outside where Enkidu was chasing a pair of labs around the yard with Chimera. Once they caught up, she flagged them over. 

“So! You didn’t talk a lot yesterday, about this weekend. Everything went well at Zasshu’s place, right?” she asked. 

Enkidu flopped on the ground on their back at her feet, Chimera right beside them. 

“Yes! But, hm… it’s a little hard to explain.” 

They weren’t giving her much to work with. She crouched down next to them. “Did something happen?” 

“Yes, lots of things… it feels like I found something I didn’t even realize I was looking for. Lots of small things happened, but I don’t feel like the particular things are important? Even so, I want to remember all of them. They may not matter, but I don’t care, the memories are important to me.” 

“You can tell me about it, if you like.” 

“Let’s see… Gil came home early because the business trip was boring and we had a fight in the bathtub. Then we slept in and his chef made us lunch and, oh yeah! The paparazzi were hanging around. I got an embarrassing photo of him but I don’t want them to have it.” 

“The paparazzi? Well, he’s definitely famous enough… they must’ve been even worse when he was on TV.” 

“Oh, I should find clips of that later, I want to see!” 

Shammy decided that whatever had happened, it had been a good thing overall. Enkidu seemed pensive, but refreshed. Bright. Not at all like two weeks prior when they’d sulked for days between Zasshu’s visits. 

“I guess that means you’re getting along? That’s almost… cute. Since your names match!” 

Enkidu beamed at her. “We must’ve met so I can keep him in line, then.” 


	2. Part 2A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I absolutely have not forgotten about this and I am VERY grateful for the comments readers have left! You guys really make me feel like continuing when I'm in a rut! This chapter is quite short because I really wanted to finally post something. The second half will come hopefully this spring, my real life situation is very chaotic right now! There should be a total of four parts (with part 2 divided in half... so five, technically).

2

“Yo, I’m back!” Cu returned about fifteen minutes late from his lunch break, but there were no human clients around, so Shammy didn’t bother noting it. “Hey, have you seen this?”  
He placed a paper down on the counter in front of her. Shammy blinked, reading the headline over and over again as her mind slowly registered the picture.  
“Oh my god.”  
“Yeah, that’s En, isn’t it. I thought so, even though the photo is kinda blurry. Green hair gives it away. They’re calling him a woman…”  
“Enkidu is nonbinary,” Shammy reminded him.  
“Oh, shit, my bad. They’re still wrong, though maybe that’s a good thing. They’ll be harder to track down if the tabloids have their gender wrong, I guess.”  
“Yeah… I hope we don’t get camera people around here. If they disturb the dogs, En might try to fight them or something…”  
“That kid? Really?”  
“They can be surprisingly quick to throw a punch…” Shammy sighed.  
“Haha, damn. Maybe you need to hire a bodyguard or something!”  
“Ah, hmm, that might be a good idea…”  
“Really? If you’re interested, I guess I could ask my roommate. He does stuff like that sometimes.”  
“Your roommate is a bodyguard?”  
“More like a hitman. I don’t know, we don’t talk about work details much, but he’s a pretty cool guy… usually. Even if he won’t do it, he might know someone else who can.”  
“It’s worth having the information just in case…” Shammy admitted, leaning so she could see Enkidu playing with Chimera and the other dogs out the window. They looked so happy, so carefree. She pitied the first paparazzi who got in the way of that.  
\-------

Tuesday, Gil dropped Zasshu off at daycare with a proposal.  
“Enkidu. Stay at my place tonight.”  
Enkidu turned to Chimera with a wide grin. “Whoo-hoo! Chimera, we’re having a sleepover.”  
“I didn’t invite your dog…”  
“Eh? Why not? Chimera wants to play with Zasshu.”  
They stared each other down across the doggie daycare lobby until Gil let out a heavy sigh.  
“Fine, you can bring it…” Gil had to admit Enkidu was stubborn about certain things.  
“Yay! Okay, I’ll take Zasshu out to play now.”  
“Bring your own toothbrush this time.”  
“Yours tastes better.” There was a pause as Gil’s eyes started to widen in mild alarm before they added. “I’m just kidding! Haha, I only used it that one time out of convenience, don’t worry. I’ll have one before you come back from work.”  
Looking pleased with their own sense of humor, they took both dogs around the counter and out to the yard, humming the entire way. Shammy appeared behind the same counter once they were gone.  
“You know, Enkidu’s birthday is coming up. We made it the first day of spring,” Shammy said to Gil before he headed out the door. He turned around and came back.  
“How old are they?”  
“The same age as me!” She smiled brightly.  
“... How old are you?”  
“How old do you think I am?”  
Well played. He tilted his chin up and looked down at her, not answering.  
“Do you have any plans?” he asked instead.  
“Not yet. En is easy to please, though.”  
Gil gave her a surprised look, one eyebrow raised. “And I’m sure years of spending time with them has done nothing to form that opinion.”  
“En just doesn’t like expensive things… Unless it’s food they haven’t tried. They do like pretty things, though! You never have to worry about being practical, if they like the look or feel of something, they’ll appreciate that.”  
“Then shouldn’t something of higher quality be better?”  
“I guess that would work if it was something natural? Or maybe organic is the word I’m looking for. They definitely love plants.”  
Plants again. Why was Enkidu so fascinated with something that had such a short lifespan?  
“If you’re going to get them something, please don’t get them another animal. Chimera would be so jealous…”

\-------

“Hey, Gil, I know you said you don’t like having flowers or plants around because they die so quickly, so I got you this tortoise.”  
After all that talk about Enkidu’s upcoming birthday, the last thing Gil had been expecting was for them to get him a gift first. Well, the last thing he’d expected after it being a tortoise. He had so many questions he couldn’t choose just one to articulate. The tortoise sat on the front desk of the doggie daycare, head and legs tucked into its shell. Enkidu had been playing with it when Gil returned.  
“They’re pretty easy to take care of and they can live up to one hundred years, so unfortunately he’ll probably be attending your funeral. He should grow much bigger by then, though.”  
“Why?” He finally managed.  
“Even with Zasshu, your house is so… devoid of life. It’s huge, but it feels too empty.”  
“There are plenty of things in my house.”  
“Yes but they are all non-living things.”  
Trying to explain to Enkidu that he liked it that way would be pointless. Gil sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  
“Accept the tortoise, Gil.”  
“Fine.”  
Enkidu beamed in such a way that Gil felt it would be worth taking care of the tortoise for the rest of his life. They brought it back to Gil’s place with both dogs and made it a temporary home in Zasshu’s old training crate.  
“You know,” said Enkidu, “cacti are pretty durable.”  
“I don’t need cacti.”  
“What if I got a cactus and left it here.”  
“Are you going to take care of it?”  
“Yes.”  
“... Pick something more exciting than a cactus, at least. Something beautiful.”


	3. Part 2B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the kudos and comments! I really hoped to have finished this part earlier, but I had a tough few semesters and life comes at you fast. I hope everyone who's enjoyed so far will stick around for the ending. I'm trying to finish this month because my thesis starts next week (I'm a creative writing major so it's going to be a novel) and it would feel great to have this completed before I get down to work! I've had a good time writing for Gil & Enkidu!

There wasn’t a special reason Gil had invited Enkidu over originally, so they didn’t do anything particularly special. Gil’s housekeeper wasn’t particularly happy about the tortoise that seemed to have taken up residence in the kitchen, but made it a gourmet dinner nonetheless. 

Now that Shammy had told Gil about Enkidu’s upcoming birthday, though, he felt like he should be having an epiphany for a spectacular gift idea soon.

_ There must have been something you’ve wanted all this time… _

Maybe even something from before, way back before, before he even really remembered.

“Remember traveling to the cedar forest?” Gil asked offhandedly, without removing his eyes from the TV screen. 

“Yes. You almost ran away crying when we first got there.” 

“You did, too!” 

“Humbaba was pretty terrifying…” 

“I wonder what they were exactly…” 

“I don’t think things like that exist anymore. But if they did, you’d go and kill them all anyways, wouldn’t you?” 

“You would help me.”  

“I would.” 

Gil suddenly understood: the perfect gift from both of their perspectives, the point where their interests clearly overlapped. How had this not been the first thing he thought of? 

“What’cha smiling about?” Enkidu asked. 

“It’s a surprise.” 

Enkidu shoved their foot in Gil’s face, which started a ten-second wrestling match that abruptly ended when they both flipped over the back of the couch and landed upside down, laughing at each other. They climbed back over in time to avoid missing any major plot points of the movie, but while Enkidu’s eyes and attention gravitated back towards the screen, Gil texted Tine the schedule change he needed for his new master plan and after ignoring her passive-aggressive reply, also had her make reservations at the most expensive restaurant he could think of for the day of Enkidu’s actual birthday. 

“I’ll take you out for your birthday,” he stated, avoiding the possibility of being rejected by inviting or offering. Enkidu’s face snapped away from the screen. 

“Oh, where?” From the look in their eyes, Gil could sense hunger. 

“It has to be something expensive and extravagant. Something you normally wouldn’t be able to afford.” 

Enkidu kicked him in the shin. 

“That’s fine, since you’re treating! Make sure it’s something fresh, you know?” 

“How about sushi?” 

“Sushi? Really?” Enkidu’s eyes opened so wide Gil swore he could see sparkles in them. He instinctively put his hand over his heart. “Actual sushi and not grocery store stuff?” 

“Of course. God, grocery store sushi… that sounds disgusting…” 

“It’s not that bad. Hey, can Shammy come?” 

“Yes, I suppose.” 

“Oh, great. How about our other co-worker?” 

“Sure.” 

“If you have any friends you want to invite, Gil, go ahead!” 

“Enkidu, this is your birthday. It would be ridiculous for me to invite other acquaintances, read the mood.” 

“Aaah, you’re right, I’m so sorry, I forgot you don’t have any other friends. That was rude of me.” 

Gil reached out and smacked them across the back of the head. They stuck their tongue out at him. 

“I’ll make a reservation and pick you up after work.” 

“Will it be a real Japanese restaurant where they have one of those bamboo things that goes ‘thunk’ and we have to take off our shoes?” 

“You  _ would _ be concerned with the shoes. Yes, and that thing is for scaring deer.” At least, that’s what Gil thought he remembered it was for, and was pretty sure Enkidu wouldn’t look it up to prove him wrong later. “Now, I’m going to take a shower and get ready for bed.”

“I’m gonna take Chimera and Zasshu out then! We’ll stick close to the building, promise.” 

Satisfied with building security and Enkidu’s ability to throw a punch if accosted by paparazzi, Gil left them with both dogs and they cheerfully skipped to the elevator, trying to guess how many pieces of sushi they could eat. They hummed all the way to the first floor when the door slid open and they realized something. 

“... He didn’t argue when I said he had no friends. Ohhh, Gil. That’s too sad!”

 

\-------

 

By day, she was Artoria Pendragon, Olympic fencer. On nights when she had time, she was vigilante Mysterious Heroine X, and she wasn’t sure which of her identities was more popular.

“They’re selling merchandise now…?” Artoria had not learned a very important law of the internet: “don’t Google yourself”. Occasionally, when she wanted to see what her favorability rankings were, she’d check. If she wanted to be favored, her wish had come true. Her fandom had graduated from art and cos-play to making pins, cell phone charms, and tiny knitted dolls of her. “Well, this is pretty cute, actually…” 

“Just don’t check any of the NC-17 rated fanart.” 

“You’re working tonight, Archer?” 

Neither of them knew the true identity of the other, but occasionally, in their parallel lines of work, Mysterious Heroine X and the equally mysterious but not-so-outrageously-named hitman Archer crossed paths. Sometimes, they were rivals after the same target. Sometimes, they were enemies. Sometimes, they were allies. And somehow, they always remained on cordial terms. 

“Yes. Don’t worry, the client is in a  _ reasonably  _ legitimate business.” 

“And the target?” She raised an eyebrow. 

“You would get angry if I told you. Leave that kind of thing to me.” 

“Hm… OH MY GOD!” 

Archer flinched at her sudden reaction. “What?” 

“This is… why would anyone do this? Isn’t this illegal? Can I sue?” She held up her phone to an eBay listening for a body pillow case with her likeness printed on it in a suggestive pose. “This is so embarrassing…” 

“I told you not to look…” 

“Ugh, you were right…” She sighed and hung her head. 

“Speaking of things that might be illegal… what is your opinion of the paparazzi?” He asked. 

“I think they go overboard. They’re invasive, they don’t know when to quit. It’s upsetting for people who are just trying to live their lives. Even celebrities deserve some privacy, you know?” She knew this from firsthand experience… mostly bad experiences. “I can respect honest journalism, but they go too far.” 

“So you might be interested in thwarting them if given the chance?” 

“For someone else? I’d like to do as much as I can.” 

The corner of Archer’s mouth quirked up. 

“Excellent. I’ll pass this information onto an interested party for you.” 

“Oh… well, thank you. I’d love to help.” 

 

Artoria found herself ready to eat her words less than an hour later. It was a strange coincidence; these couldn’t be the people Archer was talking about earlier. He wouldn’t have had time to inform them, right? And he wouldn’t have recommended such an awful client to her, right? Well, he didn’t know her true identity (except he did, it wasn’t like she wore a mask or anything) so he couldn’t know about her past experiences…

“I’m sure it’s impossible to watch over him at all times, but maybe… if there was a way I could request a specific date? Just for a one night special occasion…” 

She had nothing against this young girl in front of her. Actually, she was worried for this girl, who claimed to work as a personal assistant for Artoria’s hated enemy. She absolutely never wanted to see Gamesh’s face again. Oh, how she wished she had filed a restraining order against him, not that it was likely they’d cross paths. He was the most arrogant, conceited--

“Of course, I would also pay you. I know it’s ridiculous for someone to work for free, and such an impossible job… but my career could be at stake. A messy breakup caused by the press, it would be disastrous…” The girl put her hand over her mouth, scared, as if she was clearly imagining such a future. Artoria felt sympathy for her. 

“No, I do this job out of a solemn duty to help others. I do not require payment,” she spoke with a formal tone that she considered appropriate for a vigilante of justice. She took her position defending the weak very seriously. 

“Even if it’s just tomorrow night, that would be more than helpful!” 

“I’m happy to assist…” 

In the end, she just couldn’t turn down someone who asked for her help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Saber's name has been officially romanized as "Altria" but... I have a problem mixing that up with Altera, for one, and I'd also written this chapter BEFORE the correct romanization was revealed, if you can believe that! I decided to keep it as "Artoria" to make things easier on me. She's more of a cameo, so I hope that's not too jarring!
> 
> Also, I don't know, just in case, I'm on Twitter @BRAVETHE0CEAN (writing) and @ajisaihunter (personal but not too personal) and I retweet Fate and Gilkidu and a lot of other fandoms and talk about writing!


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